Background
I handle most of the email at Rogue Amoeba, and so I get to handle all sorts of things, good and bad. This ranges from great praises which I pass around to the others, to screaming, outraged customers that I try to handle myself. Fortunately, there are far more of the former than the latter, but most of my email falls into a third category - standard problems, with fairly easy resolutions.

There are maybe a half dozen common problems, and I even have some generic answers worked up, which I then customize for the particular case. But sometimes, the problem is masked by a deeply odd, but humorous letter. Read on - Names have been changed to protect the amusingly weird. And to be clear, this chain of emails is real, I haven't changed a word.

The Beginning
Dear Mish Mash of folks to whom the responsibility of responding to as creators and caretakers of Audio Hijack Pro, etc:

I went through the incredibly complex and difficult process of keeping the records straight for the Application with your own infinitely discouraging layers of process and direction. Alas this was not enough to satisfy the fiendish hunger for letters of complaint you obviously delight in with Machiavellian relish. As with Thomas Mann and Hans Castorp in his epic read me "The Magic Mountain " your maintenance that, as was his, of when you finish reading, read it again only serves youth as they are young enough to be able to sustain the shock of time passing before the point either grows internally or assimilates osmosically. I being either no longer blessed with youth or ability to grow have failed to otherwise fake the very real dispensation of cash to the Altar of "Unsanity" tithing for naught as the palette accepts my information and then refuses to process further in stoic static stalemate of Mexican granite. Attempting appeasement to the power and majesty of our elected retailers by genuflecting to the Icons of history I was informed by the acolyte keeping the tomes of events no longer that I indeed once was. But that I am no longer pains me and I resent not being. These churlish emotions serve me not however and I consent to whatever punishment you wish but please allow my family to hear if not see, to laugh so they might cry not, Vengeance.

Being made to please I confess to consorting with new computer, but she is mine, mine I say, and I'll hear no remark less than tribute to her graceful if boxy sylvan grace. Which muse we choose must not be placed above or beyond an others, the choosing even that of the pirates must be observed, God Bless Gill Bates. Sincerely, in Gosh, Joe User

My response
I responded by saying "What?" and I informed him that we do indeed live for criticism. Also, I asked what we had to do with this, since he seemed to be referring to a purchase made from Unsanity, another Mac software company.

The Follow-up:
WELL Paul:

I am full of apologies for any misunderstanding of mine as to the Authors of Audio Hijack Pro. The possibility that I could have made an error is not new to me. Facts though are usually fascist in their simple nature and the dictator strongware at joeuser@example.com is, and I am not mistaken here, misbehaving Audio Hijack Pro. The palette which presents itself, on my desktop, for your purpose of ownership-leasing inventory of the software, you or I are met with opprobrium - key that I apply. When I attempt to comprehend the matter I find little information directing me to my own purpose, endless.

As you may recall from the terse prior note I sent your way, I have indulged in necessity by including a new computer into my midst. It is upon this rare beauty that the dissemination of crucial Audio Hijack Pro application matters become timely. The key I published for you was indeed the very code met applause on the same site where I made the unforgivable error of assuming Software manufacturing cross identities, that appropriately, I am humbled by. I made another unforgivable assumption that when the computer signaled error when applying the enter button that meant only, my assumption, that it had already mustered. So their [sic] you have it, a recapitulation of what is known to me, for your consideration. Please note I am grateful for your response and will only become more grateful and less apparent upon receipt of success in a happy conclusion. As for satisfying your critical needs think nothing of it. Entire regards, Joe User.

My response
I was questioning, but I believed I'd figured out what he was saying - Audio Hijack Pro wouldn't accept his code. This is a common occurrence, because people don't pay close attention - I've even got a pre-formed response for it. I said: "So what you're saying in, you know, plain everyday English, is that you can't get Audio Hijack Pro properly registered? You need to enter both the code AND your name exactly as they were sent to you, as the code is name dependent. This includes capitalization, punctuation, and spelling. If you believe you are entering everything properly, we can help you out if you send us a screenshot of the registration window in the app, with the code as you're entering it.

To take a screenshot of the screen in its current state, press Shift-Command-3 (the 'command' key is the key with the open Apple logo, and the odd symbol next to it). You should hear a noise like a camera shutter clicking, and a file called Picture 1 will be created on your desktop. Verify that this picture is correct, then attach it in an email to us, and we'll take a look."

The Conclusion:
Well Paul:

I was preparing to execute your requests when to my amazement the discovery of an item or character out of alignment made itself apparent to me, plainly. With this extra step of examining the "palette" out of the habitual fashion created the vision to spot the sequence and correct it. Thanks are plainly due for the fine software, why we pay, and the assistance which despite difficulty is satisfactorily consummated. May your day be full of light, Joe User.

Epilogue
Who knows what drives men to do what they do? Who knows what motives lie behind actions? Who knows what blunt instrument might have made contact with Joe User's skull at some critical moment in time? We can only reflect and ruminate, always seeking that knowledge and never knowing. As for me, it's on to the next batch of emails. Perhaps there will be another odd catch to spice up my day, or at least give me another headache.