Welcome, welcome! It's time now for another episode of When The Internet Attacks!, and boy is it a good one. If you aren't familiar with our show, these emails are all real, found during my day-to-day duties at Rogue Amoeba. I cull the best (worst) of the bunch to mock for your amusement and my sanity. Identities are masked, but rest assured - these idiots do exist. Strap yourself in for another fun ride.

First up is Confused Ben. Ben wrote us about a simple little product we give away called MemoryCell. MemoryCell shows how much RAM the foreground application is using. Put simply, it tells you if a program is using all the resources of your computer, so you can kill it and reopen it. It's very handy, very small, and very free.

Subject Line: memory cell 2.0
Body: version 4.7.2
installation errors. mess comes up
i am running osx 2.9 on a g4 800hz iMac flat screen.
this software will not install at all
please advise
Ben

On the face of it, this might seem like a poor attempt at getting support, lacking in detail but with no other problems. But let me go over it line by line.

Subject Line: memory cell 2.0
Actually, the product is MemoryCell. The current version is actually 2.0.1, but that's alright.

Body: version 4.7.2
Ok, I haven't got a clue to what he's referring here, because the highest version number we have is Audio Hijack Pro 2.5.5, released today. Version 4.7.2 is certainly not one of our products.

installation errors. mess comes up
"Mess comes up"? Does anyone have any earthly idea what that might actually mean?

i am running osx 2.9 on a g4 800hz iMac flat screen.
Here again, weve got version number confusion. OS X went from OS X 10.2.0 to 10.2.8. It then jumped to 10.3.0 - there is no OS X 10.2.9.

this software will not install at all
Again, a bit lacking in descriptiveness, wouldn't you say?

please advise
Ben
Well Ben, I'd advise a new prescription on your glasses, that's for certain. I emailed Ben for clarification on just what the hell was going on, but never heard back. He probably lost his email client.

This next email probably requires little or no comment from me. I read it, and instantly had a half-dozen sarcastic replies that I knew I couldn't send. That's usually a tip-off for when I'll be including it right here. Anyway, here's Poor Taste Pete's letter.

After I update to 2.5.1, when I record a song from dvd player on mac os x tiger, I get a awful song.
I've got a licence. Please help.
pete

Finally, this last email chain requires a bit of explanation. A look back at a previous writing, really the precursor to our whole series here, shows that we've had our LSRNT for some time. The LSNRT takes in user info, and spits back that user's information. If it doesn't match exactly, I manually handle it, either by finding the information or by replying that we have no record for them. There have long been people who attempt to use it to trick us. I've given up any hope of counseling these people.

The other key piece of information is that there are so-called "pirated" serial numbers out there. These serial numbers are generated by very smart people, who break our serial number algorithm. Essentially, these people look at a lock, and forge a key - an impressive skill. The problem comes when they then hand this key to anonymous yutzes across the internet, who have no skill of their own. When we find one of these keys, we disable it. Every so often, someone attempts to use the LSNRT to obtain a pirated key - stupid indeed. We then send the following response to them:

Please stop pirating software. We depend on the sales of our work, which you clearly enjoy, to live. This is a full-time job and we work hard at it. When you pirate our software, you're hurting us directly - we're a small company and even small swings in sales make big waves. Further, you're hurting yourself. If everyone steals our software instead of paying for it, eventually we'll be out of business. Then you won't have anything to use whatsoever. Please reconsider your piracy, and purchase our software instead of stealing it.

Certainly a fair response, I think you'll agree. This got sent to a fellow I'm calling MF Sherman last week after he tried to get a pirated serial, resulting in the following chain.

MF Sherman:
You're a bunch of idiots for sending out messages like this...use your brains and devise better security schemes, because your's is easily crackable. :-)

Rogue Amoeba:
I assume that's why you needed to try to use the LSNRT to obtain a code that -someone else- cracked? Yes, of course. You're clearly correct, and way too hardcore for us.

Also, the word you're looking for is "yours", not "your's".

That was perhaps a bit more juvenile than my pre-written auto-response. However, it's not at all incorrect and in my own defense it was 3 am at the end of a long day. This guy can't crack the software, he doesn't have the skill, so he foolishly attempted to use the serial number recovery to get a pirated serial and I called him on it. You'd think, perhaps, that it would stop there. Oh no no.

MF Sherman:
It's sad that you have the time to respond to me personally and show your brilliance and misplaced logic from a typo and a terrible example. Must be a demanding career you have as an amoeba.

Who in the world would take the time the crack an app before checking if it's already cracked for you? Get a clue.

Correcting English grammar, though, you got me. You must be such an intellligent, gifted, admirable, and well-liked individual that you are spending your life working customer support for a two-bit small time software company. Way to go, Harvard!

Back to the point though, people will always pirate software and yours so stop it the right way, but the letter you ignorant fools is clutter and SPAM really. You know it too, because only lost profit and a losing battle against piracy could prompt such a futile attempt. Nobody uses these infantile tactics unless it's their last resort. You all make me and my associates laugh, at you of course, not with you.

Gotta run and purchase my copy of Wire Tap Pro after I'm done fucking your mother.

Ciao,
MF Sherman

Ouch. I am mortally wounded by these barbs. But really, I won't bother with a line-by-line refutation of this one, but I would like to point out the following:

1) It's not that he "checked if the app was already cracked". He used the name on a pre-cracked serial which we've since invalidated. He knew it had been cracked, and no longer worked. Again, he doesn't have the ability to crack the software.

2) Am I intelligent, gifted, admirable, and well-liked? I'll let my cake answer that for me.

3) People will always attempt to pirate software, that's true, but clearly he has failed. Further, the letter we send is hardly clutter and certainly not spam. If our letter convinces one person that hey, maybe they should purchase the software, then that's enough.

4) Lost profit and a losing battle? Hardly - Rogue Amoeba's profits grew 350% from 2003 over 2002, and another 70% from 2003 to 2004. 2005 looks to improve on 2004 by 50%. It's hardly a losing battle - the majority of people in the world (at least, in the Mac world) aren't MFs.

5) He has associates? 8)

And finally, 6) He then tells us he plans to purchase Wiretap Pro, a minor piece of competing software (that truthfully has ripped us off pretty badly), once he's finished having intercourse with my mother. I think the slogan is clear - Wiretap Pro: The Audio Recording Software Of Motherfuckers!

I didn't bother with a follow-up email to this, because eventually it needs to end. However, MF Sherman wouldn't quit. He forwarded on the chain to sales@rogueamoeba.com, another email address that leads right to me. I'm not sure if he was attempting to get me in trouble, or what. When asked (under the guise of another support tech) why he did this, we received the following.

MF Sherman:
Let's just say it's the calm before the storm, kabeesh?

Right now, I don't really know what that means, but I'm not exactly quaking in my boots. As for "kabeesh" I'm assuming he meant "capisci", but like I said, eventually things need to end. Perhaps we'll have a sequel to the saga of MF Sherman, but I doubt it.

There now, wasn't that fun? I can hardly believe it's over already. Rest assured, however, that there will be plenty more emails to come, so join us next time on When The Internet Attacks!