Episode #16: A Special Dedication - 9/9/05

Thanks for joining us on another episode of When The Internet Attacks!. Let's being with a very special acknowledgement to fan (of both Rogue Amoeba and now pbones.com) Todd Clayton, to whom this episode is dedicated. Todd enjoyed our previous episodes so much that he sent along some fan mail, and a gift, in the form of the Catch 22 CD "Washed Up" (as seen on my Half.com wishlist on the Etcetera page). The CD actually showed up (without any information) before the fan mail, but I later received the email explaining just what the heck was going on. To quote Todd, describing stumbling onto and reading the site:

...Well, I spent the next couple of hours practically in tears from laughing so hard. I figured that was at least worth the price of admission to a movie (and a whole lot more rewarding) so I sent the CD over.

Thanks Todd! Just as Red Sox goliath David Ortiz made a public donation to challenge others to do the same, I'm mentioning Todd's gift to encourage you to give as well. So pony up, you cheap bastard! Did you think these yuks were free? No, I'm kidding, but feel free to shoot me some fan mail, or even your own WTIA submission. Now to our show - Todd, this one's going out to you.

Here in episode #16, all our items are themed around serial numbers. Put simply, serial numbers (also known as licenses, license codes, registration codes, etc.) are what users purchase from Rogue Amoeba, to unlock our applications fully. Serial numbers are the key that lets you drive the car, and all these emails involve them somehow.

Email #1: That's not how capitalism works, Rodney
Please can you send me a licence code.
thank you verry much
regards Rodney

This first email is quite simple - a user emailed asking us to send him a license code. What's odd is that he hadn't purchased, he hadn't attempted to submit payment, nothing of the sort. He seemed to be asking us to simply hand him a code, free of charge. I'm left to wonder if Rodney owns a business. I hope it's a candy store. Then I can ask him to give me 50 pounds of Sour Punch Straws. Delicious.

Email #2: Leap Of Logic-Making Luigi

Hi,
i've downloaded audio Hijack, and i saw that it's free for registered users. But i cannot find the url where to make the registration. Can you help me?
Thanks
Luigi

It's possible that this requires too much explanation, but I'll give it a go. Audio Hijack costs $16. Once you pay $16, you become a registered user (and receive a serial number). We list updates to the original program as being "free for registered users". This means that if you've paid already you don't need to pay again. Maybe that could be better explained, though I'm not sure how. What really has me stumped is how Luigi thought this was working. I guess he figured there's a registration page where you enter some data, and get a free code. In his scenario, you can opt to avoid that "registration", by paying $16. Suffice it to say that that isn't how it is.

Email #3: Sick Rick
At Rogue Amoeba, we have what I call the LSNRT, our Lost Serial Number Recovery Tool. Users use this to request a copy of the code they purchased, if they've lost it (yes, because they didn't print it out as we recommend). We have an Excuse field for users to enter an excuse as to why they lost their code, which is filled by default with the excuse "My dog ate it". We've had some great excuses, but this takes the cake for the weirdest.

Name: Rick Fendworth
Product: Audio Hijack Pro
Excuse: I been very sick. I think i'm in the wrong store, store I bought this Justr stuffit with no #. it very late but the first night i been up this late. look it really not this important hell I lost 45 pounds in the last 4 months, single dad all from being posion and 3 disk blow out sorry to waste you time. god bless

There's no real way to respond to that, I suppose. I hope he's feeling better. He definitely was in the wrong store, as he'd never ordered from us. But what's really funny is to take a look at the actual LSNRT here. He put that entire stream-of-consciousness output in an "Excuse" field designed for maybe a dozen words at most.

Email #4: "Honest" Henry
Through the aforementioned LSNRT, we get a couple dozen requests a day. About half of these are handled automatically when an exact match is found. The rest come to me due to mismatches (people entering the name Jon Smith when they paid as Jonathan Smith) or simply because people are trying to cheat us. This was originally slightly depressing, but at this point I'm pretty inured to it.

Anyhow, Henry submitted a request through the LSNRT, which turned up nothing. We then send a response saying "Maybe you used a different name or email, or maybe you never registered". Let's read Henry's reply:

Unfortunately, I only have that name and email. I know I paid for it but I don't seem to be able to prove it. It was a few years ago. How about believing that you are dealing with an honest man? Barring that, I'll go ahead and pay the $32.00 dollars for the Pro version. It's a great program.
Henry

Now, I'd love to believe I was dealing with an honest man, but experience with the LSNRT tells me that perhaps 25% of requests are erroneous. Nonetheless, I did an extensive manual search and it turned out that Henry never had purchased. To his credit, after I explained all this he went ahead and purchased, which is great. The following is something a little less than great:

And that's our show! Join us next time on When The Internet Attacks!, and until then, remember: if you hear a loud, repetative thunking noise, that's just me smacking my skull against the wall!