Episode #19: No Comment - 12/22/05

Thanks for joining us on another episode of When The Internet Attacks!. These messages were all received while doing work for Rogue Amoeba. Today we're doing something a little different, with a segment called "No Comment". We'll provide a bit of introduction where necessary, but the following emails really require no additional comment.

Email #1: I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am

The first email was sent in response to a lost license request (when users lose their license, we have an automated web form to retrieve it). The second should be self-explanatory, and the third is just fantastic.

Am I so stoned I can't read English anymore or was that code printed twice? I hope I did not buy two copies of Airfoil from you - if I did, I would like to exercise my rights (if I have any) and get back the money overspend on the second copy. I hope my english is comprehensible as I am really polyintoxicated with a marvelous mix of uppers and downers I need name for. I'll name it Amoeba Drink. Milk and kisses from hyperreal.info.

Email #2: ...Using Email
Subject: I really need help
Body:

 
_________________________________________________________________
MSN Messenger 7.5 is now out. Download it for FREE here.
http://messenger.msn.co.uk

Email #3: Like The Grape Juice?
Subject: support! support! stat!
Body:

hello there! im using the software to set up a station (yay me) i was hoping to list on the macstreams but ive followed the guide and im having serious issues as my guinea pig cant hear me, is it becuse his welsh?
or am i doing something wrong?
ive checked firewall and my airport, but im having serious trouble
with it
help!
Abraham

Item #4: A Worthy Cause

This email is a long one, but it's a good one. It's not so much stupid as just kind of bizarre, but that's good for a laugh too.

Good morning from New Zealand. This is not a spam E-Mail and I do ask you to read my request in its entirety.

I am a Trustee of a Charitable Trust here in New Zealand which seeks to bring greater understanding through cultural interchange. Being a very multicultural community, our main target is New Zealanders of Asian & Pacific Island (Polynesian) origin, whereby we attempt (quite successfully) to get them to think of themselves as New Zealanders of a particular ethnicity, rather that say, a Korean who lives in New Zealand.

The way in which we do this is to organise multi-ethnicity Beauty Pageants which attracts a large audience and the cultural side of our endeavours can then be introduced as part of the Pageant . In other words, the Beauty Pageant side is the hook.

Now you get the picture, may I present you with our problem?

In judging the competition, we wish to involve the audience into the judging process. The way in which we want to do this is to revive an old system called a clapometer, which was in use in the 60's on a show called "Double Your Money".

What we envisage for the 21st Century version is a computer generated peak audio meter which (1) Shows the peak audio response from the audience clapping and (2) also records the maximum reading obtained for a particular candidate. This can be then projected onto a screen, realtime, for the audience to see.

I have spent a lot of time researching this on the web and it appears that no one has even a peak audio meter with which to work.

Well, yes, I guess this is a charity request as our organisation is completely non profit and all our Trustees are unpaid. We do the work because we believe in our mission, to bring cross cultural harmony.

I wonder if it is within the realms of possibility that you could devise an application to meet these requirements.

Why we contacted you was (1) Your application is solid (2) You seem like nice guys

It occurs to me that this would be a useful shareware program anyway, with many organisations latching on to the idea.

I hope I have been able to fire up some enthusiasm so that you would agree to help us in our endeavours and I guess if you say yes, you will have got some warm fuzzies in helping to promote cross cultural awareness.

I look forward to your reply at your convenience.

Kindest Regards
Darren Fontnick

That's it for this edition of WTIA, but we'll be back sooner than two months, we promise. May your holidays be full of good cheer and free of stupidity! Join us next time on When The Internet Attacks!.