Today on Signs Of Intelligent Life?, we've got a very special split episode. We'll be going to two different locations packed into one fantastic episode. Yes, we'll be showing you images from Maine and images from mainland China. We've broken through the Great Firewall, just for you.

First up are two images from my latest ski trip to Maine with George. George was not only very accomodating with his ski house, but he was very patient with my multiple stops to snap these pictures on our drive home. First up is a store I've seen before, and every time I pass it I chuckle. SOIL viewers of the world, allow me to present to you the First Amendment Bookstore!

Yes, it's a porno shop, and no, I didn't stop in. They do have a fenced off parking lot, so you can hide your car from friends, your priest, or even your wife. They also have spots right out front, for when you just don't give a shit what people think. Anyhow, I think that's a fantastic name for an adult bookstore, and belays an intelligence one might assume wouldn't be present in the owner of such an establishment.

Just down the road from the First Amendment Bookstore is this beauty of a sign. Yes viewers, it's the Just Friends diner. Wow. Who thought this was a good idea? The "Friends Diner", that I get. But why "Just Friends"? Perhaps they mean "Only friends come there"? That's about the best meaning I can come up with. I read it as "No more than friends", and I'd imagine more than a few people went there to break up with someone. Needless to say, that's not likely to lead to much repeat business (too many bad associations, obviously), which may explain why the restaurant itself is no more. All that remains is the sign and an empty lot.

Perhaps the best part of this occurred a few days later, when I was discussing with a friend his desire to break up with a significant other. I happened to have my camera containing this photo, so I was able to pull out the camera and show the photo with a dramatic flourish, explaining that he should take his ladyfriend there to end it. Unfortunately, as noted, the restaurant is no more. We discussed this further and decided that perhaps it would be enough to simply take a soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend there, have her get out, and call out "Read the sign, bitch!" as he drove off ("Read the sign, asshole", if instead it's a soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend). That may not seem very friendly, but hey, love hurts.

That's all from Maine for now. But don't touch that dial! Reporting live from the middlest of nowhere, Urumqi, China, it's our old friend Colin Legerton. You may remember Colin for one aborted marathon in 2003 and one semi-successful run in 2005. Now he's run all the way off to China (again) and he's sending us the sign-love, along with informed commentary. Straight from the horse's mouth:

So, I saw this freeway sign a couple weeks ago and decided to take a picture of it. Then I saw that Pbones has expanded its repertoire to include ridiculous signs, so I thought I'd send it along your way. At first glance, it seemed to be a fellow screaming because huge bloody chunks of flesh were flying out of his hands. Maybe there's an epidemic of busted-ass car windows? Then I got closer and realized that the real message was apparently not to recklessly litter your bloody chunks of flesh on the clean highway and he was crying with regret? Or laughing maniacally? What do you think is going on?

Not being the expert in Chinese culture that Colin has no doubt become, I'm not sure I should even comment. I will say that it appears to me as if the man is driving with half a Trivial Pursuit piece or an enormous wheel of cheese, and neither one of those seems like a suitable steering apparatus.

After this sign, I requested more from Mr. Legerton, and he was able to accomadate us.

The Chinese aren't actually all that big on stick figures, usually the signs are more just writing, and they tend toward the poetic. The typical drunk driving one is a couplet: One drop of alcohol for the driver, two streams of tears for his loved ones.

I'm throughly depressed by the use of poetry to invoke images of the dangers of drunk driving, but perhaps it's effective. Anyhow, Colin did have one actual sign for us, one whose artistry goes well beyond the simple use of stick figures or even a well-drawn palm tree.

And then there's the one I'm attaching. The third character on the line is the character for alcohol. See how they made the bottle and car look like it? Isn't that fucking sweet? Yeah, so China's signs are more exciting for language nerds really. I could send silly Engrish, but I think that's below the classiness of your show. If I see any more appropriate ones though, I'll let you know.

I do indeed see the similarity between the signs imagery the alcohol character, and I also think is cool, though "fucking sweet" may be a bit much. I would perhaps refer to is as "sublime".

I'm also flattered that he thinks Engrish is beneath us, though I'm not so certain myself. During sweeps week, who knows what we'll be forced into doing? There's only one way to find out. Join us for the next episode of Signs Of Intelligent Life?, and find out the heights to which we'll climb and the depths to which we'll sink.