Thanks for joining us on another episode of When The Internet Attacks!. Today we've got another new source of inspiration - Craig's List! If you aren't aware, Craigslist.org is a site offering free online classifieds for all manner of things, around the world. When The Internet Attacks! new Chief Amphibiologist James Consuegra was hunting for jobs in New York City, and stumbled on some fantastic listings.

As with our last episode, this episode is unrelated to Rogue Amoeba. But hey, it's all from the Internet, and that's really all that WTIA! is about. Names/contact info has been blurred to protect the ridiculous, and images have been used because these listings expire. You'll have to trust that these are real, but I assure you they are.

The Very Definition Of The Phrase "Corporate Whore"
We'll start off easy. In the above ad (click to view), they need three buxom blonds to run a "taste test". Assuming that's not in fact a euphemism, what possible purpose could these women have? How does the taste of a product change when served by models? The mind boggles, but the best part is this text: "We will provide a white lab coat to wear over your own outfit". To me, that's just a wonderful image - three models (perhaps not the brightest bulbs in the box) showing up, and being made to look like scientists, to spoon-feed old, white-haired executives. All in the name of "enhancement". Glorious.

"Everybody Loves Feet!" -Glenn Quagmire
I have some questions:
- What exactly are "pretty feet"? I get that they should have the right number of toes and such, but what else?
- Why does the girl need to be pretty?
- How open-minded and adventurous are we talking here?
- Do you think any of the executives from above ever cancel an entire afternoon of meetings, to attend a foot fetish session?
You know what? I don't want answers, to any of that. I contemplated not including this, and then I did, and now I regret it. Let's move on.

It's Just Too Easy...
Look, this one is simple, but I still like it. I mean, come on! They shouldn't need you to apply. They shouldn't need to screen you. They sure as hell shouldn't need to ask if you've ever been convicted of a crime, and if you lie, they should damn well know it! But no, on their application, they've got big bold, underlined text that says:

Please note that prior to working with us, all prospective readers must submit to a full background check.

If I actually wanted this job, shit, I'd just go in there cocky as all hell and say "You're going to give me this job. And I'm going to be great." Granted, that might make it very easy for them to mock me after they chose not to hire me, with taunts of "I guess he can't see the future after all". But really, do I care what a bunch of telephone psychics think of me? It doesn't take a clairvoyant to know the answer to that one.

Won't Somebody Think Of The Wretched, Spoiled Children?
Finally, we've got a doozy of ad. It's got a lot of text, so I'll summarize and highlight. A young, upstanding, professional couple (read: two yuppies) is looking for a nanny for their twin 15-month old daughters. Alright, fine. But check out these gems:

"..we expect the nanny to spend time and dedicate their day to our children...in addition to taking them to their weekly French, Spanish and Music classes." French, Spanish, and Music classes! For babies!

"We currently have 2 housekeepers, but expect the nanny..." So this is actually an ad for a third servant.

"...not limited to washing and ironing their clothes" Alright, who the hell irons baby clothes?"

"...and keeping their room tidy. (We do have another nanny to assist with all of the above as it relates to our children.)" Ok, so this is an ad for a fourth servant?

I don't know much about this family, but I know that I already hate them.

That's all for this episode, we hope you've enjoyed it. If you find your own great Craig's Listings, pass them along (no culling from the Best Of... please). pass them along to us. Until next time, keep your guard up! One never knows...When The Internet Attacks!.