It should be noted that the inspiration for this piece came from a third party, so if you find it tasteless, well, blame her. When this person saw the title of my index page for this site ("Killing Time...And Baby Harp Seals"), she jokingly requested more details, demanding to know where this missing content was, and accusing me of false advertising. Realizing she was right, and that I didn't want anyone to think I was pulling that old bait-and-switch of claiming to have content on killing harp seals, then providing a dull personal weblog, I did the research and learned the truth about these terrifying, carnivorous lions-of-the-Arctic. Keep reading, learn well, and should one of these dangerous beasts ever cross your path, you might be able to defend yourself.

Rule #1: Never look directly at the Harp Seal! Look at the picture at the top of the page. What just happened? You thought something along the lines of "Oh, how adorable!". If there were really a Harp seal that close to your skull, by the time your were thinking the first syllable of the word 'adorable', you wouldn't have a face. It'd just be entirely gone, swallowed whole. Harp seals are evil, epidermis-hungry killing machines, and the first thing they go for is the face.

Rule #2: Running won't work.. Sure, if you look at what these guys become as they grow up, you'll think you could practically crawl away from one of them. I mean, look at this guy:

He's just jampacked full of blubber. Doesn't matter! He could outrun you, your car, and your Concorde supersonic jet. And you don't even own a Concorde supersonic jet, so you're really up shit creek! No sir, once you come in to contact with one of these bad boys, your only choice is to fight him.

Rule #3: Speak softly, and carry a big gun. Oh, sure, you've heard that the way to do it is with a club. "Clubbing seals for oil" and all that. The Inuits (Eskimos) may use a club, but that's only because they don't have the advanced weaponry we do. That's right, I'm talking about the Mac-10:

Your best prayer for surviving an attack by one of these beasts out is the ability to spray 20 rounds per second in its general direction. The layers of blubber may slow down bullets, but with the Mac-10's power and a few extra clips of ammunition, you should be able to finish the Harp seal off eventually.

So there you have it. Don't look at the seal. Don't try to run from the seal. Do shoot the seal with your Mac-10. If you ever find yourself in the middle of a Harp seal attack, these are the simple rules you'll need to survive and Kill A Baby Harp Seal. Be sure to write your Congressmen to ensure their continued support for your right to bear Mac-10's. And if there are any naysayers out there who don't believe a baby Harp seal could be so deadly, I say to you only that I've published this on the Web, and if it's on the Internet, it must be true.

NOTE: (Updated 11/01/04) Don't kill harp seals - it's not cool, or nice, or funny. Most importantly, it makes Jesus cry. Jesus Hernandez, that is. He's a guy I did some computer consulting for and he really loves his harp seals. For more information on not killing harp seals, visit your local library. For the entire harp seal debacle, please see this summary post. And don't blame me - I didn't make this world.