Here's the thing about the internet - they let anyone use it. ANYONE! I mean, that's not smart. And here's the thing about Google - it's not always the best place to search for things. For instance, if you wanted to search for information on baby harp seals, you might be disturbed to find an article on Killing A Baby Harp Seal on the first page of hits. Hell, I'm disturbed to find it there, and I wrote it. But that's just how Google works.

I mention this because in the past 24 hours I've received emails from three different people which I will now reprint for comedic purposes. If you haven't done so, read the satirical writing on harp seals, which I put up on a whim over a year ago. Upon re-reading, I find it really has an anti-gun vibe underlying it, but apparently a few people can't get past the fabricated information and absurd pseudo-violence surrounding the harp seals.

Let me make it clear that I'm a vegetarian who doesn't wear animal products, and that this writing is in fact, a joke. Killing harp seals isn't cool, or nice, or friendly, and most harp seals wouldn't eat your face clean off, especially if you placate them with some fish. but funny or not, this writing is a joke, it's fictitious, and it seems that anyone with half an ounce of common sense and an ass not entirely full of sticks would realize this. But check out this fan mail:

Letter #1
Janice B. (an AOL user...) writes:

YOUR AN IDIOT...

"As custodians of the planet, it is our responsibility to deal with all species with kindness, love and compassion. That these animals suffer through human cruelty is beyond understanding. Please help to stop this madness." Richard Gere

"A righteous man regards the life of his animal ".
PROVERBS 12:10

I dunno about you, but having someone quote Richard Gere at me surely is enough to make me mend my ways. Also, I think she meant 'you're', the contracted form of you are. But what do I know? I'm an idiot.

Letter #2
Next up, my new friend Eva L. writes:

You are pretty vicious, aren't you? I hope when you die, you are reincarnated as a poor, defenseless harp seal.

I'd like to make a point here about how my page was a joke, and her response to it is where the viciousness lies, but I just don't have the energy.

Anyway, I responded to both these women, and received the following responses.

Letter #3
From Janice (who is now blocking emails from me, so I can only respond publicly. Hi Janice!):

not many of us found the humor in it..and your supposed to be a college person...lord help the next generation

She's still having problems with the your vs. you're concept, as well as basic sentence structure and capitialization. But otherwise, at least she simply expresses a stodgy view of the world. Oh, and generalizes hundreds of millions of people based on a single writing by one individual.

Letter #4
And from Eva (who I queried as to her own practices with regards to eating meat and wearing animal products):

Yes, I'm a vegan myself. I love animals. The joke is not funny; in fact, it is highly offensive to anyone who cares for animals.

If you think killing seals is in any way amusing, keep your joke to yourself. You are the hypocrite.

Eva's statement that "the joke is not funny; in fact, it is highly offensive to anyone who cares for animals" is clearly in part a matter of opinion, and in part just wrong. As to the matter of the humor of the subject, I find the writing to be funny, as do at least some others who have read it. Some do not. To each his own. As to the statement that it's highly offensive to anyone who cares for animals, I'm someone who cares about animals, and I'm not offended by it.

As I told Eva, I publish a personal website. Whether or not you choose to visit it is up to you (thanks to you, reading this now, for visiting). I'm exercising some freedom of speech, which we still have in America. Keep my joke to myself? No thanks, Eva - I'll write it, and publish it as I see fit. If it's not funny to you, then that's fine. But perhaps you can keep your censorship to yourself.

I feel I should mention, I don't particularly care what you (the reader) do. If you wear leather or eat meat, that's your choice. I think it would be better overall if you did not, but I'm not loud about it, and you sure as hell won't find me emailing you for talking about enjoying a hot dog at the Sox game. I've got better things to do with my time, you can live your life and I'll live mine.

Letter #5
Finally, I got this letter from Serena J.:

i am writing you out of curiosity. I am sure you know that the acusations you are making about seals is false and there are thousands of thongs books research and much more to support it. I am curious as to if this is a joke or not. I too am a college students and love pranks and what not but find this one to be not even funny but very lame. I was wondering if you would be willing to tell me the reasons for your article. Because I do not understand.

Thank you
Serena

I'll skip an admittedly immature critique of her myriad spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes, and simply ask the reader a fanciful little question. Do you think she emails The Onion, to tell them that Microsoft hasn't really patented the 1 or the 0? Or to ask them to explain jokes to her? One can only imagine the course load she takes that affords her the time to send such an email.

That's all for now, but we'll see what the future brings. And if you think all this is just an excuse to link to the harp seal writing so that its Google PageRank increases even higher, I ask you, would I stoop to such low means? Perhaps, but I mostly just wanted to share the emails I got and have a cheap laugh. I hope you enjoyed it too.