Thanks are due to my good old friend Alex Stevens for his own pithy take on this whole ridiculous situation. I was tired of posting the same type of emails, so it's nice to have some true fan mail.

Letter #1
Ben T. writes:

Dude, you're in trouble with Dean Reitman? That's awesome. Wasn't the last time you were associated with any dean when you got on Dean's list? I saw Sarah's away message and decided to check out the website again. Good luck, -Ben

Truth be told, I haven't made Dean's List at Tufts - I spend a lot of my time attempting to wage war against defenseless sea creatures with giant eyes. But thanks Ben!

Letter #2
Alex Stevens writes:

Paul,
I'm reading this little harp seal controversy and it's bloody hilarious. I'm sorry to say I fall under the psychopaths and children category; I was so influenced by your website that I couldn't wait to read the entire article before I killed a couple. Personally, I think the smug little bastards had it coming. But anyway, you asked for a translation from that first email, so here's my take.

I am an idiot. You are a carnivorous, totalitarian (I couldn't bring myself to write "totalitarianistic") being. Help me with uses of the word such and pronoun-antecedent agreement.

By the way, harp seals are carnivores too. What do you think they would do if they had the opposable thumbs and ingenuity to handle a Mac-10? They wouldn't be firing them in the air to protest cruelty to humans, I can tell you that. Now I'm a peaceful man, but we need to stop them before they evolve to that point. Thank you for having the courage. Preemptory warfare isn't always popular, but I think we can all agree that it's best not to let unpopularity and/or common sense stop it. Don't let these bleeding hearts tell you any different.

Your brother in the struggle,
Alex

P.S. In retrospect, bloody was probably not the best word to describe this controversy.

Thank you Alex, this has been the biggest laugh of the event, hands down.

Letter #3/4
Makensy C. writes:

Please do your research about seals before posting lies online.

Thanks,
Makensey C.

And following my obvious response that this page was anything but factual in nature, as well as pointing to the multiple disclaimers, she responded:

Maybe you should let the proper people know your intentions. I get this weekly newsletter from PETA and you have made it into there!

Just gives people the wrong idea about an animal other activists and I are working so hard to save. No hard feelings?

-Makensey

The PETA newsletter? Shit.

First, absolutely no hard feelings against anyone, I'm having a grand old time. And second, who are the proper people? If anyone knows, do share, as I'd love to email them directly. I'm not even sure what I'd say, but I'm sure I'd come up with something, since I find it both depressing and hilarious that this has caused so many people to waste so much time.

As always, keep emailing me, and I will keep posting your emails and making fun of your spelling, punctuation, grammar, as well as your apparent excess of free time. And don't worry, there's no need to point out how much of my own time I'm wasting on this. I'm willing to spend that time for the common good and certainly everyone will agree that this has helped many, many people.